Sam was a loyal minion to his evil overlord...ess. The benefits weren’t that great, and it wasn’t a job he could talk to any of his family about. Either way he took pride in it. After all, how many people could claim they worked for a criminal mastermind? Well he couldn’t claim it to anyone but his coworkers. At least the other villainees were there for him.
He worked for the great Virago, whose brilliance at pulling off heists was only rivaled by her beauty. To be fair, the heist outlines were usually worked out by Kirk and his team of strategists, but Virago was pretty good at following exact directions. Regardless, she was beautiful and Sam loved working for her.
He would often watch the news after a successful burglary and snicker, amused by all the outrageous claims and guesses paraded on the TV headlines. No one knew what she looked like, outside the Virago Villainees, and they all loved her too much to expose her. Her mystique was one of the things that made her so famous. The fact that no one even knew her gender didn’t hurt matters either. She kept sightings to a minimum, and those that saw her were promptly exterminated. Sam had even been graced with the task of body removal a few times. When six months had passed with no one finding the body, he would find a note on his desk from Virago, congratulating him on his ingenuity. The notes were often hand written and he kept every single one stashed in his desk drawer. It was the little things that mattered.
It had been recently brought to Virago’s attention that a new personal computer with a program called "Logic and Action Evaluator" had successfully run through its first trials. After being fed millions of scenarios and results into one compacted database, the computer could now aptly take any situation and offer viable outcomes and the percentage rate of their fulfillment. LAE was Virago’s newest love.
“Kirk is always telling me I have no common sense,” she pointed out to those that questioned her desire to acquire it. “If I don’t have any of my own, then I simply need to steal it from somewhere else.”
Then it happened; the day Sam had been waiting for. He was sitting at his desk, busy looking over the blue prints to the technology development center that owned LAE. He was aware of someone watching him and looked up from his computer. Virago was standing there, her golden hair hanging loosely, curves enhanced by that ridiculously tight suit, and a frown on her face. Sam figured if he was wearing a tight pink suit that exposed a decent amount of his breasts he’d be frowning too.
“I need you to come with me tomorrow.”
Sam nearly fell out of his chair. He’d never been on a mission with her before. As a computer technician, he’d always stayed in the office. His job was to research security systems, blue prints, and personnel files. For now all he could do was muster the courage to smile, and nod.
He adjusted his uniform and glanced around the hallway with unease. His credentials as a security officer had met with approval too quickly for his taste. He knew paper work and how things had to always be more complicated than necessary. It made him downright nervous that he’d gotten this far without a hitch.
The technology center that housed LAE kept a security guard on their payroll. That security guard, for reasons Sam was sure he couldn’t fathom, just so happened to get in an accident on the way to work. With some quick hacking and a lot of patting on the back, Virago’s other hired nerds easily transitioned Sam in as the replacement guard.
Sam checked his watch while he shifted from foot to foot, and gave a sigh of relief at the time. His gaze immediately lifted to the security camera just around the corner and he watched as the little red power light went off. The villainees would now be erasing any memory the cameras on this property had.
He heard a crash and jumped, his hand clutching his gun as he tried to calm himself. He knew it was just Virago, but that still didn’t soothe his nerves. Sam drudged up any memory he had of watching security guards in movies and did his best to mimic them to make himself feel more assured. With shaking hands, he withdrew his flashlight from the belt loop and began walking toward the noise. The beam of his flashlight arched from side to side as he scanned the hallways.
He spotted her quick enough; Virago’s neon pink suit glowed like a beacon as the beam of the flashlight passed over her. She silently offered him a dart gun, in case any employees happened to be here after hours. Virago didn’t mind people being killed, but she was squeamish about it being done in her presence. Missions with her had a strict no-kill policy. It made Sam happy to work with a villain that actually enforced some morals.
In mere moments they were opening the lab door and staring at a vault on the other side. Virago strode over to the vault, a large grin on her face. She punched in a security code and opened the vault door.
“Virago, this is Kirk. You forgot to enter the bypass security code to turn off the silent alarm, didn’t you?” Kirk’s voice was loud enough that Sam could hear the words clearly.
Virago’s gaze fell to the floor. “Maybe,” she muttered.
The sigh from her receiver was audible. “Grab and go. It usually takes the police time to respond. If you run, you can be out before they get there.”
As if cued by Kirk’s words, the sound of police sirens suddenly wailed outside. Sam bit his lip and sighed. “They suspected something already. I bet they had the police keep a patrol close, just in case.”
Virago grabbed the computer then started towards the door. Lights from the patrol cars flashed through the windows, coating the hall in washes of red and blue. Sam froze, then pulled her back and closed the door, trapping them within the vault. He pulled out his gun and aimed it at her.
“Sam?” She stared at him with wide eyes.
The police were in the parking lot, and would be here in a matter of minutes. He knew there was no way to escape without running straight into the officers. Sam thought about his beloved Virago, and how unhappy she would be behind bars. He also realized that, without her, the annual Christmas party just wouldn’t be the same. So he held his breath, closed his eyes, and pulled the trigger.
Virago’s gasp made his stomach churn with remorse. When she slumped to the floor he gazed down at her mournfully. The locked door between him and the police should give him just enough time to pull off what he needed to do. With his heart thudding in fear, and just a little bit of excitement, he began to strip her.
Virago opened her eyes to reveal Kirk staring at her. She blinked in surprise, then sat up. “He shot me.” Her voice was a mixture of surprise and anger.
“Yes, Samantha, but the doctors said it was just a tranquilizer dart and that you should be able to go home in a couple of hours. No more security duty for you. It’s too much risk.” Kirk shifted uncomfortably before nodding at the TV.
She frowned at him. “Why do you keep—Oh!” Her own gaze became riveted on the TV where a man stood in police custody wearing a hot pink suit and a sheepish grin.
“Tell us, Mr. Virago; doesn’t that name indicate feminine qualities?” A reporter was holding the mic as close to him as she could get.
Sam glanced at the camera, his expression nervous, before clearing his throat and saying, “Well, only a real man can use a name like this and wear pink. That’s why I’m the best!”
Several weeks later, while sitting in his prison cell, Sam received a letter. It was in a large manila envelope, sealed with a glittery, pink heart sticker. Puzzled, he opened it. Inside was a certificate, its edges lined in a filigree gold pattern. He stared at the words printed on it for a few minutes before letting out a whoop of joy.
“Hell yeah! I got ‘Employee of the Year’ bitches! And it’s only August.”